This Weekend (Editor)

I suppose I should start by introducing myself, I am the one that is and shall be known as Editor, and surprise surprise my job is to edit the posts on this blog and make sure that they are readable by you, the reader. A boring job, I know, but fuck you it's important.

Jimmy and I know each other from high school, but didn't really start hanging out until about six years ago. Since then I have had some of the wildest experiences of my life. The fact is that neither of us seems to get into the kind of shit that the two of us get into, like I'm some kind of dynamo for the crazy magnet that is Jimmy Mozart. We have also been known to wing-man each other, and pull each others asses out of the fire if things get too crazy. The role that people seem to think I play is that of Jimmy's leash holder, asking me to calm him down after they pour drinks down his throat, to which I usually respond, “He's not my responsibility, he's a grown ass man.”

The mathematician is a little harder to describe, the best way that I could do it is to say that he is like if Hunter S. Thompson hate fucked a baby into Stephen Hawking. The reason I say this is that while he is the single most intelligent man I have ever met, he also loves drugs more than anyone else I know. Also I'm pretty sure he's part robot. Other than that he is also one of the weirdest characters I have ever met, being able to seamlessly go from having a scientific/philosophical conversation to asking you what you would do if Forest Whitaker tried to rape with an AIDS dick. Another fun fact is that he has pretty much introduced me to all of the drugs that I have tried and still love to this day.

Roommate will also be there, but when I see him I'd like to hear him bitch about me not doing an entry about him, so fuck him.

As far as how I think this weekend is going to go, I think I can sum it up by simply saying; things are going to get out of hand. First off you have Jimmy, who is like a Frankenstein monster stitched together with equal parts “I don't give a fuck,” “fuck you,” and “I'll kick your fucking ass” when he's drunk. Secondly you have Hunter S. Hawking who seems to have no greater joy in life than trying to getting people to shove as much drugs and/or alcohol into themselves as possible, and finally me, who has always been a devil's advocate when intoxicated. Hopefully no one will be arrested, because dumb shit is going to go on. Other than that I can't really say because I have learned by now to never actually expect anything, it just gets you into trouble.

Well, that's it for now. I'll be posting later about what actually happened, but until then I'm heading back behind the scenes.

The coming weekend

So this is another update from your intrepid hero Jimmy- a few days ago I had my eviction hearing at the local courthouse that I now know so well I might as well live there I show up at 8:45 (I haven’t been up that early since it became a time) and I am sitting outside the courtroom waiting for my lawyer (provided by the local legal aid office) to show up. When in walk three cops who say they have been subpoenaed by my landlord and then every single person in my apartment complex (which amounts to about 10 people) shows up and they have also been subpoenaed. I walk into the courtroom and the judge asks my landlord for the paper he served my eviction notice with which my incompetent fuck of a landlord (I swear to god this man’s brain is nothing more than poorly diluted kool-aid) presents to the judge who within twenty seconds says that my landlord who was once a lawyer disbarred for money laundering (which immediately makes me think of two things one what a fucking thug right? And two is a daydream of Don King going “only in America!”) Should know the law and that he is dismissing the case because the eviction notice was written up improperly. I can barely hide my smirk as I thank the judge for his time. Before the door to the courtroom has even closed behind me I yell out well you can all go home where I will be joining you and I laugh my way out of the courthouse while my father who came with me in a none to kind manner exclaims that they are all jobless fucking losers. Roommate who also attended the proceedings (though he does not actually technically live with me) and I then drive to a local second hand store that employs many handicapped I.E. Fucking retarded and funny people. While Roommate and I look at their selection of shitty golf clubs (we occasionally go out to the driving range and hit a bucket of balls while everyone stares at us for golfing in sweat pants and tie dye shirts) one of the retards that I actually have some history with ( My friend RedandBlack and I used to harass him daily by yelling at him because he would wear a yellow trench coat and we would exclaim that he was Dick Tracy until one day he ran up on us and told us he was a doctor, and when we inquired as to what he specialized in he told us that he was a doctor of science which is what I still refer to him as to this day) comes up to us and we have the following exchange: Doctorofscience “Do you golf?” Roommate and I “Yes we do” DS”I love golfing” Us “So do we “DS “Do you know what I wish?” Us “what is that?’ DS”that Someone would invent a 3d Golfing game for the Xbox” Me “Well I think that already exists for the Wii” DS “Yeah I haven’t played a video game since 1990” Me”Ooookay” DS”You guys are the intelligence of my mind”. Which Roommate and I inferred was a rather backwards way of the good doctor acknowledging that he was retarded and we were a non-retarded version of himself I am thinking to him we were AOL online version 2.0 with 200 free hours. This would usually illicit a response of much ardent humor but in this case we both found it to be incredibly depressing that the doctor was aware of his “condition”. And that was about all that occurred on that day and concludes part one of this update.
Part two the coming weekend

Roommate and I are meeting up with our friends TheEditor and TheMathematician and we are going to do copious amounts of drugs ( I do not really partake so I will just be drinking) with the intent of seeing where this weekend takes us . I for one hope it is not jail but I will not hold my breath because I would probably pass the fuck out. Some quick background on said friends TheEditor is a friend of mine from high school but we didn’t really get close until I found out we mutually loved Anime Cons of all things (that is a completely different and for later story) but we became very good friends quickly. TheMathematician who is more a friend of TheEditor but I have always liked him and sold him prescription drugs from time to time which apparently you can build a friendship doing he is a really intelligent and fun guy but I totally secretly loathe him due to his ability to just randomly decide to do something and then in three months be idiot savant level of good at it. Edit:-Roommate who almost cried when he proofread this and he was not given a back story asked that I include his He is a friend I have known for I while (I use to piss on his clothes at Anime Cons still a different story for later) who is my technical Roommate I will explain that at some point to but we are the very best of friends and oft mistaken for a gay couple because we refer to ourselves as we. Anyways I will post on Sunday and not only outline the weekend but tell you how it turns out (if I am not seriously in jail).

Upcoming weekend (the roomate)

This weekend shall be horrible, fun but horrible. I plan on getting absolutely shit faced and gathering up enough liquid courage to do cocaine. I will also be high as a kite. I see two things happening, one of us will end up in jail (probably Jimmy) and one of us will get separated from the group at some point in the night(either me or the mathematician). The Editor is probably just gonna get drunk and throw up while on cocaine. Overall I am in a state of suspense while waiting for this weekend to happen. I will be sure to inform you of the aftermath next week. Also, the mathematician did not mention me in his post...dick.

The Social Gathering (Rudy Toot Jasperson)

Greetings,

My name is Rudy Toot Jasperson, but you may call me "Toots." I am publishing my prediction for the weekend adventure with my friend Jimmy Mozart, and Tinkerbell McDillingfidy (The Editor).
It looks to be an esoteric evening filled with frightening frills of a fastidious nature. I am not saying that anything exceptionally odd will occur, but I am not denying the possibility of a rare phenomenon displaying itself behind the layers of tightly woven social conventions.
We all have our eccentricities...our discontinuities of normalcy. Jimmy is an avid drinker, just a smidge below what a self-denying alcoholic would consider an alcoholic. Tinkerbell has problems with uppers and downers and couldn't manage the middle ground if life left him there. I endure my lack of restraint to go on a week long opiate binge ending in obliteration of my central nervous system and colon.
If you put us together, you will either get a drug-fueled frenzy of trivalent chaos ending in something just shy of death, or you will get a congressional committee determined to restructure the country's fiscal policy. What I don't know is whether the whole will be greater than the sum of it's parts.
I leave it to the reader to hash out the gritty details in their mind. If my brain isn't already fried...it will be after this weekend.
Godspeed.

- Toots

The other night (now that I am moderately sober)

It all started with Roommate and I buying a bottle of Popov vodka, which is good for the shitty stuff. We bought it under the premise that we would clean our apartment up and then drink it.  There are a number of reasons it was a poor idea: 1.I have never in my life had a bottle of  anything alcoholic that I intended to drink  later that I didn't immediately drink 2. we needed to clean my apartment due to the fact that we were under the impression that my landlord, who I am currently in litigation with, was wanting to come in and "inspect" 3.I am a crazy fucking drunk. This is the night as it followed.

So we brought the bottle, drove home, and did a very poor cleaning job, satisfied with the very minimum of effort. It was kind of like we were the government and we were trying to keep out illegal mexican immigrants. We then proceeded to drink half of the bottle and head over to my brother Needsacleanshirt's house, because earlier in the day he had told us he might be having a party. We drove there in my Geo Metro that looks like a throwaway from a Mad Max film(I mean the muffler is literally tied on for appearances), and the whole way there we blared The Offspring on a CD I had appropriated from god knows where. After about a ten minute drive through town we arrived at Needsacleanshirt's house. All of his friends, and some very unattractive women, were standing on his patio around a small fire, and Needsacleanshirt started throwing woodchips from a bag (the kind used for bedding in hamster cages) into the fire, and it created a kind of  horrible snow made of embers, that he directed at me and started laughing about. So needless to say Roomate and I convince Needsacleanshirt to pour the entire bag, which was the size of a Garbage, can into the fire, which created a tornado of embers just floating around burning the living shit out of Needsacleanshirt's guests. Then Roommate kicked a pile of semi-flaming woodchips into my face, and I could literally smell my hair burning like I was a fat bitch in any number of Eddie Murphy films getting her hair did . I laughed my ass off and returned fire by kicking woodchips into his face three times, and then we just went back and forth for a bit while the rest of the party backed up and started bitching. We both lost interest once we noticed we were burning holes in each others clothing and that we had lit Needsacleanshirt's outdoor couch on fire. When I tried to put it out my pants caught on fire momentarily which was actually pretty exciting.

Being that there were actually some girls at the party, and that the more we drank the more that voice in the back of our heads (or maybe the back of our sacks) said, "you could do this just have a little more,we started to gravitate back towards them." we consequently noticed we were low on alcohol at this point. We had brought two little water bottles full of orange kool aid and Popov, which we had both consumed. Each of us had downed about a quarter of the Popov bottle a piece, so we went into Needsacleanshirt's house to find some chaser, finding orange soda, and proceeded to pour the rest of the Popov into our respective water bottles making what I am sure keeps George W. during the day. I drank about half of my bottle and decided that I didn't want anymore, so I set it down somewhere outside (the funny part being that I actually got it back in the morning still half full). Roommate chugged half of his bottle and we both went back outside where I struck up a conversation with one of three land whales that looked like they may have been women twenty Krispie Kreams ago. I can't really recall what she said because I wasn't interested in the slightest, and everything was unbelievably blurry and similarly shaped at this point so I told her that she looked like the alpha female of the b squad at I-hop retard night. She  didn't take too kindly to this and started yelling, but I honestly gave so little a shit that she just shut up and went back to eating, or whatever it was she had been doing previously. The rest of the night after that point kind of rolls in and out for me but I can tell you what I recall as broken and terrible as it may be. I remember after that I referred to all three of the piggly she beasts at the party as the retard I-hop brigade, and that I ripped a No-Parking sign out of the ground  and beat Roomate with it like I was Tyson trying to beat a rape charge. I remember almost fighting my brother because I talked Roommate into throwing a garbage can at his head, which he didn't take to kindly to and shoved Roommate into a wall. Being that I-need-a-clean-shirt weighs 300 lbs, and easily benches 400, I didn't think that they should fight, especially considering that roommate was easily half his size and liked being not dead. We later went to a few bars but I only really recall trying to convince the bartender that I was of age and only getting a cup for water, followed by him staring me down like I had said that I thought it was funny that his mother was dying of cancer again (we had history) while I chugged beer out of the glass, from a pitcher my brother had bought. I remember Roommate riding in the trunk of Ineedacleanshirt's car and loudly exclaiming that he had finished  his bottle. Which was actually very impressive consider that it meant that in around two hours he had drank 2/3 of a handle. The last two memories I have before blacking out were; throwing bricks at a bunch of the party goers at Ineedacleanshirt's, and accidentally beaming roommate in the  face twice with logs I was trying to throw at his stomach while not looking at him and using my peripherals to aim(which in retrospect is not only cool but fucking amazing). I remember the police showing up suddenly and circling the block and telling roommate he should "cheese it," watching him run down the alley (though it was more like falling perpetually)  near my brothers house, the police following him, and then I ran into the house and hid in the basement so I wouldn't go to jail. For what I couldn't tell you, I just fucking hate jail. So apparently half sleeping in a pile of garbage in Ineedacleanshirt's basement was preferable.  Apparently (gathered from other sources) I did a number of fun and or inventive things while I was blacked out; I apparently spent half an hour telling one of my best friends Muscleymetally that I hated his girlfriend and she was fat. Good thing he didn't take it too seriously because he is one of like three people I know who might just be able to keep up with me in a fight.I also seriously fucked my wrist up punching the shit out of Roommate I hit his arm so hard it was bleeding in three places. I apparently took it upon myself to handout free party favors in the form of bricks.(this information came from my sister via a friend of  Ineedacleanshirt's who left the party in favor of  the bar she works at and told her that I had been doing this) when I awoke the next morning Roommate bitched about me almost  knocking his teeth out with a log  and how I had not let him watch anything I didn't want to on the television apparently I told him "You can fucking watch what I want to watch" and then passed out waking up intermittently whenever he tried to change what I was watching and reiterating my earlier point My wallet was lost and was never recovered but like I said you win some and you lose some. I awoke to my landlord banging on my back door so I promptly drew a handle bar mustache on my face and told him that I was not going to let him inspect my apartment unless he had a warrant and then made nefarious noises while stroking my marker mustache. My power was out when I returned to my living room which was due to someone taking out a telephone pole down the block with their  car. So Roommate and I drove to his fathers house where I got drunk off of his fathers bud lite while wearing his six year old brothers plastic space helmet. anyways I am tired as fuck and want  to finish watching the godfather part 2 I will post more adventures as they come.

Last Night (roomate)

So last night me and Jimmy went to a party. The night started out with us kicking fire at each other and setting a couch on fire. We were surrounded by a bunch of hillbillies, (spellcheck is suggesting that I meant to say stillbirth instead of hillbillys), and women that obviously loved cake way too much. Once we were drunk the night for me went downhill quickly. Jimmy decided to push my head against a chair until the chair snapped in half. He then pulled a parking sign out of the ground and proceeded to beat me with it, which left cuts on my arms and face. Jimmy then thought it would be a good idea to have me throw a garbage can at his 300 lb. brother. It was not such a good idea. The beast of a man decided to throw me about 10 feet and almost put me through the house door. I have a gash running down my thigh from when I landed. We then went to the local bowling alley for no reason in a chrysler seabring. The car was so shitty and filled with garbage that it could have been a landfill. There was not enough room for all of us to fit so I took one for the team and got in the trunk. Later on in the night we went back to the party and sat around the fire. Jimmy was throwing logs on the fire while he was shit faced and hit me in the mouth with one of the logs. My mouth filled with blood instantly. I still have a mountain on my lip from where it hit me. Shortly after the log incident the cops pulled up. Jimmy said, "lets get out of here man", so I started walking. Once I got to the sidewalk I realized that fuck Jimmy turned around and ran into the house. So I walked off and into the alley and within seconds I was surrounded by 3 police cars with their spotlights on me. I was breathalyzed and blew a .22, they were impressed. So they gave me a minor consumption charge and I had someone give me a ride home. Today...I hurt like fuck.

Last night!

I am currently drunk writing this entry so I am thinking it will probably need some editing later I am sitting in roommate's grandparents super nice house drunk as fuck off of roommate's dads wine last night I apparently went so fucking crazy that a kid named Jeremy who left the party and went to the bar where my sister works told her that he left the party do to the fact that I was throwing bricks at everyone at the party I don't really see why this is a reason to leave but then again I was doing the throwing while blackout drunk I apparently beat the living shit out of roommate with a log and he got a minor consumption ticket someone stole my wallet but you win some and you lose some I just wish I had that ten fucking bucks so I could get drunker than i am currently I apparently ripped a no parking sign out of the ground and was beating roommate with it in the face (lol) anyways I am to drunk to finish this but later when the power is back on at my apartment I will be sure too.