It all started with Roommate and I buying a bottle of Popov vodka, which is good for the shitty stuff. We bought it under the premise that we would clean our apartment up and then drink it. There are a number of reasons it was a poor idea: 1.I have never in my life had a bottle of anything alcoholic that I intended to drink later that I didn't immediately drink 2. we needed to clean my apartment due to the fact that we were under the impression that my landlord, who I am currently in litigation with, was wanting to come in and "inspect" 3.I am a crazy fucking drunk. This is the night as it followed.
So we brought the bottle, drove home, and did a very poor cleaning job, satisfied with the very minimum of effort. It was kind of like we were the government and we were trying to keep out illegal mexican immigrants. We then proceeded to drink half of the bottle and head over to my brother Needsacleanshirt's house, because earlier in the day he had told us he might be having a party. We drove there in my Geo Metro that looks like a throwaway from a Mad Max film(I mean the muffler is literally tied on for appearances), and the whole way there we blared The Offspring on a CD I had appropriated from god knows where. After about a ten minute drive through town we arrived at Needsacleanshirt's house. All of his friends, and some very unattractive women, were standing on his patio around a small fire, and Needsacleanshirt started throwing woodchips from a bag (the kind used for bedding in hamster cages) into the fire, and it created a kind of horrible snow made of embers, that he directed at me and started laughing about. So needless to say Roomate and I convince Needsacleanshirt to pour the entire bag, which was the size of a Garbage, can into the fire, which created a tornado of embers just floating around burning the living shit out of Needsacleanshirt's guests. Then Roommate kicked a pile of semi-flaming woodchips into my face, and I could literally smell my hair burning like I was a fat bitch in any number of Eddie Murphy films getting her hair did . I laughed my ass off and returned fire by kicking woodchips into his face three times, and then we just went back and forth for a bit while the rest of the party backed up and started bitching. We both lost interest once we noticed we were burning holes in each others clothing and that we had lit Needsacleanshirt's outdoor couch on fire. When I tried to put it out my pants caught on fire momentarily which was actually pretty exciting.
Being that there were actually some girls at the party, and that the more we drank the more that voice in the back of our heads (or maybe the back of our sacks) said, "you could do this just have a little more,we started to gravitate back towards them." we consequently noticed we were low on alcohol at this point. We had brought two little water bottles full of orange kool aid and Popov, which we had both consumed. Each of us had downed about a quarter of the Popov bottle a piece, so we went into Needsacleanshirt's house to find some chaser, finding orange soda, and proceeded to pour the rest of the Popov into our respective water bottles making what I am sure keeps George W. during the day. I drank about half of my bottle and decided that I didn't want anymore, so I set it down somewhere outside (the funny part being that I actually got it back in the morning still half full). Roommate chugged half of his bottle and we both went back outside where I struck up a conversation with one of three land whales that looked like they may have been women twenty Krispie Kreams ago. I can't really recall what she said because I wasn't interested in the slightest, and everything was unbelievably blurry and similarly shaped at this point so I told her that she looked like the alpha female of the b squad at I-hop retard night. She didn't take too kindly to this and started yelling, but I honestly gave so little a shit that she just shut up and went back to eating, or whatever it was she had been doing previously. The rest of the night after that point kind of rolls in and out for me but I can tell you what I recall as broken and terrible as it may be. I remember after that I referred to all three of the piggly she beasts at the party as the retard I-hop brigade, and that I ripped a No-Parking sign out of the ground and beat Roomate with it like I was Tyson trying to beat a rape charge. I remember almost fighting my brother because I talked Roommate into throwing a garbage can at his head, which he didn't take to kindly to and shoved Roommate into a wall. Being that I-need-a-clean-shirt weighs 300 lbs, and easily benches 400, I didn't think that they should fight, especially considering that roommate was easily half his size and liked being not dead. We later went to a few bars but I only really recall trying to convince the bartender that I was of age and only getting a cup for water, followed by him staring me down like I had said that I thought it was funny that his mother was dying of cancer again (we had history) while I chugged beer out of the glass, from a pitcher my brother had bought. I remember Roommate riding in the trunk of Ineedacleanshirt's car and loudly exclaiming that he had finished his bottle. Which was actually very impressive consider that it meant that in around two hours he had drank 2/3 of a handle. The last two memories I have before blacking out were; throwing bricks at a bunch of the party goers at Ineedacleanshirt's, and accidentally beaming roommate in the face twice with logs I was trying to throw at his stomach while not looking at him and using my peripherals to aim(which in retrospect is not only cool but fucking amazing). I remember the police showing up suddenly and circling the block and telling roommate he should "cheese it," watching him run down the alley (though it was more like falling perpetually) near my brothers house, the police following him, and then I ran into the house and hid in the basement so I wouldn't go to jail. For what I couldn't tell you, I just fucking hate jail. So apparently half sleeping in a pile of garbage in Ineedacleanshirt's basement was preferable. Apparently (gathered from other sources) I did a number of fun and or inventive things while I was blacked out; I apparently spent half an hour telling one of my best friends Muscleymetally that I hated his girlfriend and she was fat. Good thing he didn't take it too seriously because he is one of like three people I know who might just be able to keep up with me in a fight.I also seriously fucked my wrist up punching the shit out of Roommate I hit his arm so hard it was bleeding in three places. I apparently took it upon myself to handout free party favors in the form of bricks.(this information came from my sister via a friend of Ineedacleanshirt's who left the party in favor of the bar she works at and told her that I had been doing this) when I awoke the next morning Roommate bitched about me almost knocking his teeth out with a log and how I had not let him watch anything I didn't want to on the television apparently I told him "You can fucking watch what I want to watch" and then passed out waking up intermittently whenever he tried to change what I was watching and reiterating my earlier point My wallet was lost and was never recovered but like I said you win some and you lose some. I awoke to my landlord banging on my back door so I promptly drew a handle bar mustache on my face and told him that I was not going to let him inspect my apartment unless he had a warrant and then made nefarious noises while stroking my marker mustache. My power was out when I returned to my living room which was due to someone taking out a telephone pole down the block with their car. So Roommate and I drove to his fathers house where I got drunk off of his fathers bud lite while wearing his six year old brothers plastic space helmet. anyways I am tired as fuck and want to finish watching the godfather part 2 I will post more adventures as they come.
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